Brave. Courageous. Those are words I see on slogans all the time but no one can really define it. I mean, there’s a definition, of course, but to each individual it means something different. If I ask someone in my line of work what being brave means, they’ll probably talk about combat and fighting the enemies of the United States.
Honestly, that’s what I thought it meant, too. After all, I am a Soldier (soon to be retired - yay). There was a popular slogan during the early days of the Global War on Terror, post 9/11. “Home of the free, because of the brave.”
When I asked the people wearing those t-shirts or hats or whatever what the slogan meant, they’d always talk about the military. Sure, it does take courage to join the military and go to war but I realized just recently, that there are many types of courage. Many types of bravery.
I ran to the aid of a classmate in high school and got pummeled for my troubles. That was a show of courage. I deployed to combat three times and showed bravery multiple times. I ran toward explosions, gunfire, rocket blasts, and Soldiers needing aid. I stood up to my bosses and their bosses without fear. Most people called me gritty and some called me the bravest person they know.
But (and there’s always a ‘but’) I was petrified of a few things. One of those things was being afraid of people hearing the music I listened to. Seems silly but I lacked the courage to listen to my music loud and proud. I was so afraid of doing it, my throat would get tight and I would be hypervigilant about making sure my headphones were connected and there was no chance anyone could hear. The culture I worked in valued the ‘tough guy’ persona. The strong and silent type. That was not me. I was a jokester and a goof and I liked all kinds of music. I pretended to like most of the music I was expected to listen to. And honestly, some of it I did truly like - AC/DC comes to mind - but most times, it wasn’t my first choice.
One night while stationed at Fort Bliss, I didn’t answer my friends’ calls and texts to hang out because I wanted to go to the opera. I really wanted to go. it was Puccini, after all. When I did met up with them later, I was fully prepared to lie about where I was, not that it was any of their business. I was still dressed smartly, with a jacket and everything and they grilled me for being dressed nicely. When asked, I couldn’t lie (it’s my fatal flaw). The next few weeks, they ribbed me for going to the opera. Teased me with all kinds of names ranging from ‘snobby’ to a slur about being gay.
A similar thing happened when I went with a buddy of mine to see an Elton John concert. When my colleagues asked me what I did that past weekend, I couldn’t lie and told them. They made fun of me, called me derogatory names, and so on. They thought it was all in good fun but for me, it was just another excuse to keep my music tastes to myself. For the record, that Elton John concert was one of the best I had seen since AC/DC’s Back in Black concert in 1981.
From that day on, I lived two distinctly different musical lives. I had the one I showed to everyone else and the one I kept a close hold on. The music I allowed people to hear me listen to were the aforementioned AC/DC, Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, and the like. Music they’d expect me to listen to. Secretly, I loved almost all Baroque and Classical era composers, movie music (mostly John Williams), Harry Belafonte, Elton John, Queen, Little Richard, James Brown, Taylor Swift, and a huge collection of indie groups. Shiny Toy Guns, Ghost Beach, Smallpools, Chvrches (not a typo), etc.
Last summer, I was assembling my playlist at work. The Pentagon IT department reinstated YouTube after an exhaustive study of worker performance (the short version, music made working more efficient). Anyway, I put my list together and as I was jotting down the songs I wanted to listen to, I came across a song called ‘Goodbye, Goodbye’ by Tegan and Sara. I jotted it down because it was catchy and I loved their dueling voices. They are an indie/pop duo from Calgary…and they’re twins.
For the longest time, I thought they were one hit wonders because I never heard them ever. Not on the radio, any of the early streaming services, or anything. When I typed their names into the search bar, tons of music suggestions came up. They were in the process of releasing their 10th studio album that summer! I was shocked at how wrong my assumption was. I listened to ‘I Can’t Grow Up’, the lead track on their latest album Crybaby and it was really good. I loved it. I was curious about them and found out they were twins, gay, amazingly talented, and…they hated each other growing up. That was completely against my assumptions of them. I was so wrong again. I hate not knowing stuff. That hooked me and I committed to learning all about them.
I watched every interview, every live show (the sisterly banter is a trademark of a Tegan and Sara show), listened to every podcast, read every Substack entry, and so on. They talked openly about everything, it seemed. They talked about growing up, coming out, starting a band, getting along with one another (my favorite topic to listen to), and building a successful brand. Something else I noticed was their reactions were always genuine and humble. I know some of it is cultivated and curated but there are impromptu situations that crop up in the videos of them. They are truly nice people.
They’ve had a profound impact on countless women in understanding their identity, having the courage to come out as gay, and flourish without fear. I cannot directly relate to that and my fears are not as important or as potentially dire but they did positively impact me.
I reflected on my own fear of letting people know what music I really liked. Then I looked at these two amazing women that faced daunting situations of their own and all the women they inspired who faced their own paralyzing fear. Yeah, they weren’t repelling a small arms ambush or conducting a raid on an Al Qaeda stronghold but at that moment in time, I felt like the coward. I could fight the enemy but I couldn’t face people finding out what music I liked. Crazy!
Over three or four months, I began immersing myself into the Tegan and Sara brand orbit. I gained perspective, understanding, and after taking their trials and tribulations to heart, I found a different type of courage. The courage to blast the music I liked without concern about what others thought of me. I got teased, sure, but I kept their stories of how scared they were, how hard they fought to be what they are today, and the number of people they inspired in my brain. It helped me tamp down my fear. Their personas were so powerful, they drew me to their show in DC.
I admitted to my wife, Kate, that I liked their music. Really liked their music. She was cool with it and was fully supportive of me going to their show. But, there was another hurdle to going to their concert. I suffer from severe PTSD. Cramped spaces, crowding, loud noises, and flashing lights are all triggers for me. Their example of overcoming fear helped me step foot into the 9:30 club in DC. I was anxious and nervous the whole time but their music and their banter helped me keep my fear at bay. I faced down my fears twice in three months thanks to these women. I didn’t care that I was the only straight male in the whole venue but no one else cared either. I was accepted regardless.
I am a huge Tegan and Sara fan now. I wear their merchandise around, listen to the music in the car, sing duets with my five year old, who’s also a huge fan, I read their memoir, High School, and watched the show by the same name on Amazon Freevee (I highly recommend both), and I am going to another concert this year. They helped me overcome two significant fears that I struggled with for over 20 years. They also helped me redefine what courage meant to me. Courage and Bravery come in many different forms. There are many different ways to overcome them and I was lucky enough to find my courage and overcome a small portion of my anxiety. Thank you, Tegan Quin and Sara Quin for helping me.
This is a great post Darius.
I can relate but a little differently.
Storytime (long ramble, sorry):
I was born in ‘99. Growing up, I listened to whatever my parents and grandparents listened to....and LOVED it.
Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Supertramp, AC/DC, Jim Croce, Nirvana, Green Day, The Temptations, Jackson 5, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Amy Winehouse and Janis Joplin to name a few.
I still listen to these artists this day. Janis is one of my favorites. My favorite musical sound is that 60s keyboard. (Idk what it’s called).
When I was becoming a teenager, my parents introduced me to the John Hughes 80s teen movies. They joked I couldn’t enter or leave my teen years without seeing them.
This led me to 80s bands like Oingo Boingo, New Order, Depeche Mode, Yello etc. Also some top favorites.
But being a teenager in this past decade was really strange.
I’ve been told I’m an old soul. I always preferred hanging around adults. And discussing their music.
Frankly, I’m not impressed with most “music” today. So I felt conviction when I heard songs like ‘Uptown Funk’ and ‘Thrift Shop’ or actually became a fan of 1 Direction and Ed Sheeran.
Some friends introduced me to Taylor Swift. I was looking forward to her next album, which ended up being RED. Which I ended up hating. Here in the Midwest, when an artist sells out for the mainstream, we now refer to it as pulling a Taylor Swift. Don’t know if that’s said everywhere.
Most sounds used in modern music really bother me. And I prefer something real. Either real instruments or real singing or both. Not all of it synth or auto tune.
This led me to have unnecessary great shame in school. My peers would tease me about my “old people music”. I figured it ruled and theirs sucked and I would immaturely hate every modern song.
Most people I converse with are in their 50s and up. We have much more in common than me and my peers. But I do feel shame mentioning I like some modern artists, like Tegan and Sara or Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus. But luckily, I find a select few willing to give them a try. And they introduce me to things from now or back when. And vise versa. An all around great exchange of music!
So I guess what I’m saying is, I’m glad I’m (mostly) over the shame of being young and into the older stuff with my peers, and also young and into some new folks. You’re not alone Darius! Both Tegan and Sara have something about them that makes you want to be truly authentic and not give a shit!