Funny Things I Say to Doctors

It's a serious job in desperate need of levity

Face it, going to the doctor can be a scary and morose affair. That’s on the patient’s side. The doctor’s side is all business and delivering the best care they can. Plus, they have to be professional. Combine the efficiency and professionalism of doctors with the fear of the patients and you have a situation that could definitely use some levity. While not everything is a laughing matter, there are times where an inject of laughs can do everyone wonders. Going to see the dentist, or your primary care doc for a routine checkup, per se.

I have the unfortunate pleasure of having to go to see doctors a lot. In fact, I’m at the doctor more than I am in the office. Being cavalier for over 20 years of Army service takes its toll, to be sure. I tell people that being in the Army is like dog years. One year in the Army is like seven for everyone else. I am straight up broken from head to toe, actually. Since I go see the docs a lot, I get a lot of practice in making them laugh. Some are way too serious for their own goods. I thought I would post a collection of funny things I say to the doctors when I go see them.

*Note. Joke delivery is the key! It’s like pizza (everything is like pizza to me- just sayin’). It doesn’t matter how good the pizza is, if the delivery is off it’s just not that good anymore. Keep your delivery jovial and light hearted. Smile too.

Doctors and Nurses:

• “How are you today?” I actually dislike this question. Most times it’s a worthless conversation starter. Worthless because the person asking the question doesn’t care a lick about the answer. But, at doctors offices it’s a different story. The people asking the question are trained to listen to the answer. I usually answer with “old” or something like that.

• I’m always asked my date of birth…I guess it’s a HIPPA thing. Anyway, I always give them a birth year that’s more recent. Usually 20 years does the trick. I say it in a joking way then immediately correct myself. They get the gist of it and laugh. Sometimes, we all wish we were a little younger.

• My favorite is when they ask if I smoke, drink, and sometimes if I do drugs. I always answer the smoking part honestly. That sets them up for the drink part. When they ask me if I drink alcohol, I’ll always respond with, “Why? You buyin’?” They crack up.

• Another screening question is “What brings you in today?” That one is a prime candidate for a joke. I say, “Well, I heard you guys could cure my sense of humor” or “I woke up this morning and I was ugly. Can you help?” But, if you prepare for it, you can put any joke in there you like.

• I hate needles so, if those metal hell spikes are involved, I’ll usually fake scream in pain right before they stick the needle in. And after they’re done and they put the cotton ball on the injection point, I’ll resurrect a line from “Bachelor Party”. “Well that seems like a fair trade, a cotton ball for all that pain.” I know the line isn’t exact but close enough.

• Every once in a while, the PA will weigh me. When I get on the scale and they look at the numbers of the screen, I’ll step one foot off the scale. It usually reads in the low 100s. I’ll say something like, “That dieting is paying off.” When they see what I’m doing, they laugh.

Dentists:

• “Hey doc, don’t sew up anything that’s supposed to stay open.” I say this a lot when they have to do intensive work on my teeth.

• “If you wire my jaw shut, I’ll understand.” That makes them laugh when I’ve been a Chatty Cathy. Most times, around eight out of 10 times, that will elicit a chuckle.

• Before anything happens, the PA will hand you a cup of mouthwash. That’s a perfect time for a joke. Something relating to alcohol works best, I found. “Can I get some lime and salt, please?” Or “How ‘bout a beer chaser?”

With any social situation, read the room. Sometimes doctors and nurses have bad days. We’re all human and can’t be gracious 100% of the time. If they’re grouchy, keep the jokes to yourself. Otherwise, enjoy the chuckles you get. It makes the whole experience better. For me, most times, I get compliments for my energy levels and laughs. Well worth it.